and sending them deep to the bottom of my heart.
I made my way to this particular place with a confused mixture of feelings and emotions. At this meaningful place, my friend (whom I shall call friend A) and I spent 3 hours having a wonderful heart to heart chat together. Surprisingly, although I did not know friend A well, I was very comfortable telling him my inner-most feelings: happiness, moments when I am really touched, the embarrassing side of me, confusions, frustrations, things that I should have done, things that I should not have done, how I wasn't myself and some things that occurred recently and in the past, things that I have never told anyone else before. Perhaps this comfort arose from all the times I had knew that he had watched, seen and heard and spent time together. No...not exactly together, but together is the only word I could think of here.
It was an enjoyable talk and friend A did share with me some things about himself and his current relationship too. It set me thinking of exactly what happened to me, why am I like this? Why am I not doing the things that I would have done but hiding and holding everything up instead? It is true that I do have a very high threshold as to how much I can take and how much I can bear, that's because that is the way I grew up and that is the way I am. But on the other hand, with all these bad stuffs being coped up in one's heart and mind, how natural can I be in front of others? This is made worst since I am not the type of person who can open up to people and talk about my thoughts and portray my true feelings freely. To substantiate this, it was only recently, after 19 years, that I finally opened up to my mother about my personal problems. My mother was really very happy about it and even said that her girl is finally telling her all those things.
Just a sidetrack: Haha! I must say that everything that happened in my university life in these few short months, though eventful and torturing to some extent, so much so that my health's and sleep's been affected, was a blessing in disguise. I was never close to my mom due to some childhood grudges that I hold, but I am glad things had gotten really better! I am even starting to enjoy shopping with my mom!
After the talk, here are some of the things that I thought are worthwhile blogging.
Often, my pride gets the better of me. Sometimes, I'm not willing to apologize even when I knew that I am really in the wrong. This does not happen often with friends, but it happens more often with my family and close ones. The closer they are to me, the dearer they are to me, the more I uphold my pride in front of them. I hold too much expectations, assuming things like - They should know - They should understand, when in fact, I am not a easy person to understand to begin with. Also, I have my own believes and do not bothered to explain myself enough when it comes to why I do the things I do. Because of this I've confused people about my character and personality. I was fortunate that my second boyfriend, although I knew that he was mindful of it, accepted everything about me, understood and kindly embraced this side of me. However, I cannot expect everybody to accept everything about me as the way he did. I might one day end up all alone from all the hurt that I have caused. I knew this very well, yet... when I knew that they are hurt, my pride gets the better of me again and I just left them the way they are...hurt by me.
Dear Qi Yun: You have to put down your pride sometimes especially in front of those whom you care so much about, because in the end it does not even matters. What matters is that you do not hurt the ones that you love and if you really love them, what is your pride in front of them man? It's nothing!
Back to where I ended off just now, on the point that I do not open myself up to people easily. It's either I open up to you and share with you my thoughts and feelings with true honesty, or I do not tell you much about my past and myself, or I just find excuses to end off the topic and use as little words as I can to briefly answer any questions regarding my past or my inner-most feelings. It's just me but because of this, I've confused people about my character and personality. I am not hard to understand, it’s just that it's not easy to understand me as long as I am not willing to open up to people. However, it's not easy for me to open up to people either.
This is something that is inbuilt in me and I cannot tell myself or force myself to change this side of me, but I just hope that anybody who reads this, and I do know of family members and some other people who reads this, would have a general better understanding of me.
And because of this, I've a second regret in my life.
I am sorry if I portray myself differently in front of different group of people. Example, the crazy lunatic random happy side of me when I am with my Asterisks friends, and the quiet listening side of me when I am with my Wushu senior friends. I just cannot help it. It's only natural for me.
Before I abruptly end this post, I would really like to thank friend A for that 3 hours talk and I promise I'll bring better offerings if I ever visit again next time! You know who you are ya! ShHhhHhhh!!! It's a secret so dun reveal yourself kz?!
Thanks!
*off to study for my IT quiz and I've less than 7 hours including sleep time...*
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